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Ketenangan

sendiri menyepi
tenggelam dalam renungan
ada apa aku
seakan ku jauh dari ketenangan
perlahan ku cari
mengapa diriku hampa
mungkin ada salah, mungkin ku tersesat
mungkin dan mungkin lagi
oh Tuhan aku merasa
sendiri menyepi
ingin ku menangis menyesali diri
mengapa terjadi
sampai kapan ku begini
resah tak bertepi
kembalikan aku pada cahayaMu
yang sempat menyala benderang di hidupku
perlahan ku cari mengapa diriku hampa
mungkin ada salah, mungkin ku tersesat
mungkin dan mungkin lagi
oh Tuhan aku merasa sendiri menyepi
ingin ku menangis menyesali diri, mengapa terjadi
sampai kapan ku begini, resah tak bertepi
kembalikan aku pada cahayaMu yang sempat menyala
oh Tuhan aku merasa sendiri, aku merasa sendiri
sampai kapan begini, resah tiada bertepi
ooh ku ingin cahayaMu benderang di hidupku

Stranger

I had meeting today at 3 o'clock. Unfortunately, I've missed it.
You don't have to guess why I missed it. People who know me will be like "yaaa you take a nap for 5 minutes but at the end it was 5 hours napping." Well, rest in peace Ainil.

I feel relieved right now because I think Allah has answered my prayers. It was hard for me to swallow the bitterness anyway but I believe in what He has planned for me.

The proposal he made and the decision I've made, I'm not regretting it at all. The fact is, when I was trying to figure out everything, one by one happened and I think all of them by my side. So, maybe this is the answer & move on.

Frankly, it was hard to forget something that had happened in your life except what your teachers had taught you in school. (it is easier to forget why???) It took time to remedy yourself and on that moment you will realize that you only have yourself. (aha)

No, I'm kidding. Thanks for those who with me whenever ups & downs.*hug*

This post is not an appreciation post or memorable post or whatever you called it. It's just my thought, my conclusion thought.

If you reading this, for the last time I wanna say thank you. I'll keep all the things that you gave me because they are useful anyway. Pardon me. You asked me to forgive you and honestly I already 'forgive & forget'. Wishing you have better life than now. You came to my life and taught me lessons & thanks for that. From now on, you're just a stranger for me. So, if you bump into me or my family, just glance and walk away.

Effort

I can see your efforts trying to understand me.
It was so comfortable.
Thanks.

Done

Assalamualaikum and greetings to all.

Today, I feel a little bit okay than yesterday. I really need time to heal my heart and reflect myself. What I've done & so on. But, still I can't act like a normal person in front of people that have cut my heart into pieces.

What am I gonna say is... I have tried my best to secure our bonding. But, I think, the only side who was trying really hard is just me. I've tried my best to keep positive and husnuzhon to you.

"Oh, this is okay.. maybe you're a little bit tired"

yada yadaa.

I don't know what the things that were disturbing your mind. I don't have any idea. I've done so many things to work on it but I can't see your penambahbaikan at all. You even throw me away like a trash & take it back when you feel "Oh, I think you are still useful to me."

I don't mean that you ni jahat sangat ke apa. I still remember all those little kind things that you have done to me. But, I just want you to reflect yourself. Ask yourself, why you feel so left out?

You always say yang us never think about your feelings while us sehabis baik untuk pujuk you and take you back towards us. But, you were judging us like you are a god. You were saying that you know our intentions and we did all that because we're just sorry to you yada yada. Come on, siapa je boleh tahan kalau you kata you tahu niat dia?

Ask yourself, how many times you have did that attitude towards us? How many times you were using harsh words towards us? How many times you asked us to back off? How many times you said we don't even care about your feelings?

I wanna ask you, do you really care our feelings? mine? his?

Do you ever asked us what we feel?

Are you the only one who got problem and feel left out?

Are you the only one who feel alone?

Are you the only one who feel so insecure?

Are not you feel grateful enough with what you have?

Why must you envy us, envy me when you can do it much better?

It was really hurt when you said you were envying our friendship (me & him) and because of that you sampai hati nak cetuskan salah faham and asked us to stay away from you.

What do you feel when we're doing the same thing to you?
Do you can act like "okay.. I don't care.. I get used to it.."

I've decided to stay away after what you've done to me. As you wished. I'm really tired. I wanna live my live to the fullest without getting attach to the negative vibes.

Oh dear, I'm really tired. You won't find me again. And, I will not gonna be sorry for that. I'll be a completely stranger to you.

You can find a better person than me that will understand you better, that will cherish you better. No worries, there's a lot of people in this world that can do much better than me.

Heartless but I have a soul. A black soul.
The end. Goodbye.

Wishes that came true

Assalamualaikum and greetings to all.

It has been a while I didn't update my blog because of this messy life. Frankly I say, I miss when my fingers running on this keyboard to express whatever that have crossed my mind. I miss sharing my life story and read it whenever I feel I wanna go back to the old times.

I wanna share everything I've go through right now. However, it will take a long time just to finish this.

About 1 month left before I leave matric. There are so many unpredictable things that have happened when I was here. All the things that have made me stronger than before, made me accepting myself and appreciating my life. I've learned a lot here. Experience had taught me more than lecturers did. I guess.

Last two days, I've entered 'Young Programmer' competition. Honestly, this is what I've dreamed of since I know computer. Luckily, life in matric had gave me a chance to participate it. Masa first stage, we were given subjective paper & it was truly hard. I don't know what I've wrote on that paper. I just wrote whatever I remembered. Time given only 20 minutes. When I wanna pass the paper, I was like, "Ya Allah, ada lagi soalan kat belakang aku tak perasan langsung.. I'm gonna die...."

Masa tu, I really really feel I can't make it. We were asked to stay in Harvard Hall to get the result who are able to go to the next stage (which is the programming stage). I entered the hall & suddenly... "29656".. I was like... "tu no matrik aku ke tu" Can't believe until now, I terpilih untuk pergi final. Can't describe what I feel on that moment. The task given was hell. But, alhamdulillah I can make the coding even takdelah menjadi sangat. 1 jam setengah to finish the programming. Huhu I'm totally crazy because when I became so brave to volunteer myself in participating this kind of competition???? Jap nak bangga dengan diri sendiri.

Oh, another wishlist yang tercapai dekat matric ni ialah, I've did a presentation about Naruto!!! In front of my classmates. Oh my god... I was really really really excited you can't imagine what I've felt back then. I don't know where my 'keberanian, ketakmaluan' come from.

Also, I quite perform in this subject (bukan nak bangga lah) But, tu fakta. Haha.  Maybe, this is what we called.. "Allah gantikan kedukaan kita dengan sesuatu yang kita terfikir pun." Which is, I never expect I was able involving myself into this course. I just feel I want to, but I don't know how. Then Allah has showed me the way. MashaAllah.

Allah knows better.